bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
