Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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