3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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