I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
