Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
