Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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