They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
