I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
