my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Blood and glitter go together right?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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