I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
