I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
