Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
