nutella sex= disaster
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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