You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
