I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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