Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
