What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
