I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
