You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
