awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
