The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
