Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you win again, gameday.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
then he tried to convert me to islam
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
