A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
