omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
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