You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My penis needs a shock collar
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
