apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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