Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
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