my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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