Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
