and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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