someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
