he puts the penis in happiness.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
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They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
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I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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