You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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