I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
