Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
we're making bets on your personal life
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
