I wish my penis had an off switch
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
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I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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