I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize