what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
