So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
