I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
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