I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
it hurts more in the daytime
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
