Your mouth is God's brothel.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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