You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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