the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
