Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Send help, water and tortillas.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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