Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
