dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
