Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
