When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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