I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
