If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
