i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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