My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
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My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
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Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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