can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
