What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
