Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
