theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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